Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Wetterich's mission: master the weekend

Jupiter's Brett Wetterich found out last year why there's only been one player to win the Masters in his first try in the past seven decades.

Few pro golfers have had a wilder ride than Wetterich in their first trek to Augusta National. The Jupiter resident was tied for the first-round lead with Justin Rose at 69, then shot a 73 to take a one-shot lead after 36 holes as he tried to join Fuzzy Zoeller (1979), Gene Sarazen (1935) and Horton Smith (1934) as the only rookies to win the Masters.

But Wetterich's lack of course knowledge caught up with him on the weekend. He closed with rounds of 83 and 77 to finish tied for 37th. Still, he has learned something important about himself as he prepares for a return trip for this week's Masters.

"I know I have the ability to play that golf course," Wetterich said by phone Friday from Humble, Texas, where he is playing in the Shell Houston Open. "It's obviously one of the tougher ones we play all year. It was nice to play well the first two days and have a chance on the weekend. At least I didn't play horrible and was back home after two days."

Wetterich knows all about making quick transitions. In late 2005, he was back at the PGA Tour's Qualifying School after he lost his card, but less than a year later he was representing the United States on the Ryder Cup team. That's how quickly things can change in this game.

But there's no bigger stage in the golf world than the Masters. Having a chance to lead the most famous golf tournament for two days is an experience few pros enjoy. Wetterich still laughs when he tells a story about how a buddy of his was in the Florida Keys last year when he asked a guy at a bar who was leading the Masters.

"When he was told it was 'some guy named Wetterich,' he was like, 'Are you kidding me?' " Wetterich said. "That was the one of the neatest things - I did lead the Masters for two days. It's documented. Nobody can take that away from me."

But Wetterich thought for several months this year he wouldn't get a return trip to Augusta National because he was told he likely would need season-ending surgery for a torn labrum in his left shoulder. He admitted the prospect of no Masters hurt him almost as much as the shoulder.

"I was really down for a while, because I didn't think I would be able to play this year, and who knows if I would ever get back," Wetterich said. "Ever since that tournament ended last year, I've really been looking for my chance to go back."

Wetterich admits he learned plenty last year. He said his biggest mistake was to try and pretend this was just another golf tournament on just another golf course. That obviously is not the case.

"The first couple of days I got by because I was hitting the ball good and making some key putts when I needed to," he said. "But it caught up with me on the weekend. This course is so totally different than any one we play on Tour. I can't play as aggressively as I normally do by going at pins. I'm still going to be aggressive when I can, but you've got to pick your spots."

At 34, Wetterich believes he'll have more return trips to the Masters. But who knows how many chances he'll have to contend? There's plenty of top pros who had that one chance at the green jacket but never got another sniff. At least he won't be as wide-eyed this time around.

"Last year was a great experience," he said. "To have that many eyes watching me was a pretty neat thing. I can't wait to get there."

The 72nd Masters

When: Thursday-Sunday

Where: Augusta National Golf Club, Augusta, Ga.

Course: 7,445 yards, par 72

Purse: Approximately $7.25 million. Last year's winner received $1.305 million.

Defending champion: Zach Johnson (his winning score was one-over 289)

Area invitees: Robert Allenby, Mark Calcavecchia, Luke Donald, Raymond Floyd, Doug Ford*, Bernhard Langer, Jack Nicklaus*, Gary Player, Brett Wetterich

TV: Thursday-Friday, 4-7 p.m., 8-11 p.m., (replay), ESPN; 11:30-11:45, CBS (highlights). Saturday, 3:30-7 p.m., CBS; Sunday, 2:30-7 p.m., CBS. (There's also a bonus hour of coverage each day on www.masters.org)

Notables: For the first time this year, Wednesday's Par-3 Contest will be televised (by ESPN) from 3-5 p.m. ... Jupiter Island resident Gary Player will break Arnold Palmer's record when he plays in his 51st Masters.... Fred Couples hopes to make his 24th consecutive Masters cut, which would break the record he shares with Player.

*Past champions won't play.

Notes from the Arnold Palmer Invitational's Final Round

Well, the sun is setting once again at Bay Hill, and here some nuggets from the Arnold Palmer Invitational's final round. Thanks to PGA Tour officials and the tournament's media relations staff for making these tidbits available.

* Tiger Woods' win at 10-under ties as the third-highest winning score this season relative to par on the PGA Tour this year. Sean O'Hair won the PODS Championship at 4 under. Ernie Els won the Honda Classic at 6 under. And Steve Lowery won at

Pebble

Beach

at 10 under.

* Woods and Niclas Fasth had Sunday's low rounds, 4-under 66s.

* In his five victories at Bay Hill, Woods has played the 16th, 17th and 18th holes in the final round at 5-under. He's never made anything worse than par.

* Marc Turnesa recorded his first hole-in-one on the PGA Tour on Sunday. His ace on the 180-yard seventh hole came via a 5-iron.

* Woods improved his record to 43-3 when he has at least a share of the 54-hole lead. He's now 9-2 when tied for the 54-hole lead.